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Bob: Bill and I at the age of 8 got guitars and learned to play them and sang Everly Brother songs at old women's conventions
Howard: Hold it, back up a second, your Mom and Dad ...
Bob: How far back? We were born in ...
Susan: Back before 8?
Howard: Your Mom and Dad were living together? They were married?
Bob: Yeah Dad was in the Navy.
Susan: In sin. No, they weren't they were married.
Bob: They had a lot of kids. They had seven kids. They were Catholic and ...
Howard: OK so you had a lot of kids there and you started a group. Your Mom and Dad stay together through this whole thing?
Susan: Yeah you bet
Bob: Yes
John: (Laughs)
Howard: Now your Dad is living in Mexico?
Susan: You bet
Howard: How much of the percentage of the money that you guys raise did your parents take?
Bob and Susan: All of it.
Bob: I can't say, he tried to buy Rhode Island and it didn't work out.
Susan: He wanted to give us Rhode Island as a present, but it didn't work out.
Paul: It's the only kind of 'piece of the rock' you don't want.
Howard: So how much money would you guys say conservatively that you made?
Bob: I know the answer to that that question because
Susan: Tell us
Bob: between 67 and 71, conservatively, it was over 20 million.
Howard: 20 million dollars
Susan: Holy Mother of God
Paul: That makes me feel rich !!!
Howard: 20 million dollars seriously?
Bob: Honest to god
John: Now I'm getting pissed.
Susan: 20 million dollars
Paul: Well we don't have it now, you can tell.
Howard: Judy, do you know how many HBO specials you have to do for 20 million dollars
Judy: Two
Howard: Anyway now. You made about 20 million dollars in concerts?
Susan: In everything.
Bob: Concerts, TV, theme songs
Paul: Commercials, records, milk commercials
Howard: Who's this guy?
Susan: That's my buddy Jack Snyder
Howard: That's Jack Snyder?
Susan: You bet, man. He's an awesome dude.
Howard: Is he the one who does you?
Susan: No, he doesn't do me. Dwight Twilley does me OK
John: Hey !!! That's my sister, you Sputnic brian !!
Howard: Sorry. I'm sorry. OK I take it back.
Susan: Sorry DT
Paul: Actually she wanted to do you Howard.
Susan: Oh !! Hey listen that's my buddy.
Bob: Hey hold it. We're talking about a man who fantasizes about his wife.
John: Hey let's not waste this valuable air time. I'll give you the key to my hotel room later.
Howard: Now where was I?
Bob: No money
Susan: I'm confused.
Howard: Alright, so there was 20 million dollars made. OK now your parents took all the money?
Susan: No !! Why do you want to keep saying that?
Howard: I mean was there money put away in your bank accounts?
Paul: Yeah but the government took it.
Susan: Why don't we let Bob answer it.
Bob: These guys were babies. What do they know?
Susan: You know the story.
Bob: I do.
Howard: OK go ahead
John: Wait, wait !!
Howard: The rest of you Cowsills shut up and I want to hear the real story.
Bob: In a nut shell. Now you can editorialize here. OK There was no money one day. OK
Judy: All of a sudden
Bob: Bad investments. We didn't do the trust fund scene you know and can't, I mean, it's like we're going to sue Dad, alright, so we're not going to do that.
Howard: I'd sue his ass.
Judy: Dad was running the business..
Howard: How much do you hate your father? Do you hate your father?
Cowsills: No
Howard: You don't hate him?
Bob: He's an old man now.
Howard: I hate him.
Paul: Just to make this clear, my Dad - the money did go into a trust fund
Bob: Not mine.
John: You didn't get one.
Paul: That's cuz you were older. The New York Surrogate Court there, don't usually let that money - obviously the Jackie Coogan law - but if they feel that the investment that's going to be made with the money is a good one, then they will let that money get out of surrogates court. We opened up a campgrounds - called Crazy Horses Camp Grounds in CT.
Howard: That was the investment?
Paul: We owned like three quarters of Connecticut during these things and then all of a sudden, my Dad found out that the accountant that we had in New York - what was his name?
Howard: Neal Rushin
Paul: Yeah Neal Rushin and Lenny Stogel - who died on a plane.
John: You know, Waylen Jenning's manager
Paul: They just never paid payroll taxes. They never paid the airlines. $690,000
Howard: This is alleged now. We can't take your word for it. I'm sure he's got a whole different story.
Bob: What happen to my trust fund
John: This is not alleged.
Howard: Well the accountant has a side of the story.
Paul: I met my Dad at 21 on New York - at the Chemical Bank of New York. He gave me my passbook and he said, "Hey man you don't have anything" and I went, "Hey, thanks a lot. See you later."
Bob: You know what I got? It took me twelve years to pay off my back taxes is what I got.
Cowsills: Ahhhhhh
Susan: I had a lot of nice toys. Thank you.
Howard: You guys all need Dr. Landy. You're all flippin out. Where's Brian Wilson? You need Brian Wilson's doctor.
Susan: You know my brother Bill used to hang out with Brian.
Bob: No, he'd want to write my songs man.
Howard: Let me say something here to the audience at home. What you're listening to is a collective nervous breakdown. The Cowsills have had a horrible life.
Cowsills: (laugh)
Howard: You're all nice looking people. You all got talent. You sing nice.
Susan: And you wouldn't even know to look at us would you Howard.
Judy: But why did you stop singing? We'll have a benefit. A Cowsill's Benefit !!
John: Wait, wait
Howard: 20 million dollars have been lost here and The Cowsills were milked. Like cows. Cowsills were milked.
John: That's utterly disgusting !!
Howard: This is the most horrible story ever. So, in other words, your father blamed the accountant. See this is why I want to protect the accountant here. Your father blamed the account. What is he going to say to you, "Gee kids I blew it."?
Susan: I want to know why you want to protect the accountant and not my old man.
Paul: They saw my Dad coming a mile away.
Howard: See you guys are looking at your Dad as the hero here. You know what I'm saying.
Susan: Now easy pal, easy.
John: No, no pal listen
Howard: You got the number for your father? Give me the phone. I'll call your father, right now.
Bob and John: You can't reach him.
Susan: I wish. He's in Mexico and buddy if I could, I would.
Howard: Give me his number and I'll call him. I got a phone right here. I'll talk to him.
Susan: I won't reach Mexico will it?
Howard: I'll get your damn money.
Bob: He's got no phone.
Howard: No phone?
Paul: No phone. No credit cards, not in the place where he lives
Howard: How did he get enough money to go to Mexico? What is your father doing in Mexico? Is he retired?
Paul: He's retired
Susan: He's spending all our money.
Bob: Hey he's a gray haired old sailor who lives. He's fine.
Howard: You think?
Susan: He's an innocent man.
Howard: And you guys are in touch with him?
John: Only at séances
>Howard: So The Cowsills, isn't this something. The family group does not see their father.
Bob: Howard, you want to fly us to New York? We'll give you the long interview.
Susan: Me and Paul see Dad all the time. We twinkle down to Mexico.
Paul: We'd like to do some spots. Can we cut the (bleep) out - uhhh stuff out.
Howard: Hey Judy, what do you make of this?
Judy: What do I make of this?
Howard: Oh she's starting to cry.
Judy: What do I make of this? I'd like to make some cheese for The Cowsills.
Howard: OK we got to take a break.
Susan: Ahhhh Judy
Judy: Can I find out why they stopped singing, please?
Howard: You're going to find out after these commercials. They stopped singing cuz they were busy looking for their 20 million dollars.
Judy: I think we should have a benefit for The Cowsills.
Cowsills: Yeah !!!
Judy: I'll call HBO right now. I have an 'in' with HBO
Susan: Here's the phone babe. Get on the ???? here.
Judy: Get John Fukes on the phone.
Howard: We'll do it here in a minute. I want to hear you dudes sing here too.
Bob: Alright
Susan: Do you have a guitar, dude?
Howard: Yeah, we have guitars. Everybody's got guitars.
Susan: You guys got a budget it here or ?
Howard: Yeah we got a budget. We'll be right back after this.
Break
Howard: Grand Central Radio. Could you sing a song about Grand Central Radio? And harmonize please.
Bob: (singing) I don't know why the owner ask me ???? the business.
Howard: Now you know why they quit singing. There your answer.
Susan: That was telepathically harmonizing, by the way. We were harmonizing in our brains. He heard it and it got through.
Howard: OK Cowsills. We're back. 92.3 K-Rock WYSP WJFK Three great radio stations for rock
Susan: Good Lord. Way to roll it.
Howard: Very successful broadcasters.
John: Rock man
Howard: Alright now you guys are The Cowsills
Susan: Yeah we are. I've seen you on David Letterman, by the way.
Howard: Did you think I looked good?
Susan: Yeah
John: (laughs) You looked like a girl.
Howard: Yeah? So !
Susan: What are you making fun of his hair for?
Howard: Yeah, what are you John Wayne?
Paul: Get a haircut !!
Howard: John you're not that masculine. You're kind of thin boned and you know small boned.
Bob: But John's comfortable with his femine side.
John: I understand the woman in me.
Howard: I fight the woman in me. Alright, OK But anyway, The Cowsills we're - in case you're just joining us - this is the most amazing story. They of course were a successful child group. They made 20 million dollars. Their Dad made a couple wacky investments. They don't want to blame their Dad, so they blame the accountant.
Paul: No way Howard. Peace dude.
Bob: I blame only myself for all of it.
Susan: I don't blame anybody, man.
Howard: So you guys don't have any (bleep) now. So what do you guys do? You are broke.
Bob: Let's go down the line.
Paul: I'm in construction. I mean I'M IN CONSTRUCTION.
Howard: Really?
Paul: I'm a general contractor.
Howard: And what do you do?
Susan: I make records with my boyfriend Dwight Twilley and I also make records with myself Susan Cowsill.
Howard: Oh The Dwight Twilley Band.
Susan: The very one ! Can he come to the room to cuz it's kind of a - well you know.
Howard: That is a boyfriend of you huh? How is he? Is he any good?
Susan: He's great. Go ! He's got some hot now (bleep) coming up. Go. Bob what do you do? Who are you?
Bob: What do I do? I sing at a local Pub in Woodland Hills, Pickwick's Pub.
Howard: Now they could be retired and living off the fat of the land.
Susan: But we're not.
Paul: Yeah man groovy.
Howard: Let me say something. Wait, what are you doing?
Susan: Burping
John: Breathing. No, I just quit Jan & Dean after seven years.
Howard: Jan and Dean !!
Paul: Jan & Dean !!
Susan: Which one were you?
Howard: Yeah which one were you?
Bob: He spoke for Jan
John: I said (bleep) it.
Howard: Now we've been talking about holding some kind of benefit for The Cowsills, but first as you know, I'm working on the 1910 Fruitgum Company benefit.
John: You're sick !!
Susan: Howard !!
Paul: You're kidding.
Susan: They weren't even related.
Howard: Now come on. Wait a second.
John: You sputnic !!
Howard: Wait a second. I have to tell you, of course, that I'm going to drop them as soon as I can. They are a bunch of leaches those 19---
Paul: What was their song? The 1910
Susan: What was the song?
Howard: Yummy Yummy Yummy
Paul: Chewy Chewy Chewy Yummy Yummy
Howard: Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I got love in my tummy.
Paul: Oh Yummy, Yummy, Yummy I got love in my tummy. It feels like its going through me.
Susan: So you know that song.
Howard: So you guys were very talented. You made 20 million dollars.
Susan: We still are.
Howard: Ah but, wait a second, I'm not saying you're not talented. I'll listen to you sing and I'll tell you if you're talented or not.
Paul: More better now
Howard: 20 million dollars and now it's gone. This - I would not be able to sleep at night. I would jump out of this window.
Bob: Well if you notice there are 2 of us missing. The content of the
John: See Howard man listen man. There's two guys who are not here.
Howard: Who's that?
John: It's Bill and Barry. Bill is the oldest and was the lead singer on all this stuff.
Bob: We had our own Brian Wilson man.
John: I'm telling you man. It would have been so cool if you guys, you sputnic brains, could have sprang, big New York station, one small east coast/west coast ticket, down to here. I mean you would have had it all. You would have been the first guys to ever put all of us in a room together.
Susan: I do have a statement from one of the missing brothers if you're interested.
Howard: Alright no ahead.
Susan: I can whip it off really quick here. It's whatever. Barry would just like to say that uhhh this is his synopsis of the entire affair. "To start with they took a perfectly unbothered talented family, who was into folk and rock and roll. They put them in various undersized ridiculous suits, which was OK cuz it was the 60's. They gave them light-hearted pop tunes to perform which were well done and very bearable. But when they hit the TV circuit they eventually striped them of their instruments and had them tap dancing and singing ridiculous Broadway cover tunes with very stupid family skits that bore no meaning or resemblance to what we set out to accomplish, which was mainly displaying excellent folk and rock tunes in a tight genetically chemistry." I know you're dying. To finish with….
John: Shut up
Susan: "Most of the music industry machine..." and this if from Barry not Susan - remember that!! " Most of the music industry machine is a giant impersonal Hoover vacuum cleaner and for all I care they can blow it out their anal trajectory and they even ruined Lone Justice." But other than that, Barry fishes on the central coast. He's got three kids and they sell grits.
Howard: This is the same message Heinz, Heinz and Dad does.
Susan: There you have it Howard.
Paul: We had it Xeroxed.
Howard: This is the same message. This isn't original.
Susan: You bet and uh basically Barry wants to be president and if he was president, he'd like to be Neal Young. Thank you.
Howard: Alright here we go now.
Susan: Thanks Howard.
Howard: Let me hear you guys sing now.
Bob: OK What would you like to hear?
Howard: Well, what do you want to do?
John: I'd like to do Red Roses For A Blue Lady
Howard: A little Wayne Newton for you. Alright here we go.
Susan: He's really sick.
John: (singing) I want some red roses for a blue lady
Howard: Do a hit.
John: Hey that was a hit dude.
Howard: Do one of your hits.
John: You didn't say one of ours !!
Bob: Here we go.
Susan: Let's sing the whole thing. Let's just get to the 'and spaghetti' part.
Howard: Do a Cowsills reunion that's what we're after.
Bob: Let's do it till your spots come up.
Song: Hair (Paul after 'He's hairy high and low' says 'Hey man he's got hairy feet.'and Bob after 'not for lack of bread like the Grateful Dead' says 'well back then we thought it anyway')
Howard: That's the reunion.
Bob: Thank you. You can send the check to 6907
Howard: That was incredible. Hippies everywhere. Jumping in front of buses as we speak.
Cowsills: laughing
Howard: Brought back all the memories.
Susan: That was fun.
Howard: That was good. That was fun.
John: I'm sorry. That's all the time we have with you, Howard. We're out of here. No, we're kidding. We're sticking around.
Susan: You're the boss dude.
Howard: But actually, OK Let's recap. That was Hair. That was The Cowsills. That was the reunion, right here on the show.
Susan: And it was free and that's a drag. Two brothers were missing.
Howard: It was a reunion. It was a free reunion.
Susan: It was a free reunion, but you and me are going to talk later in the room.
Judy: This is just a start. You got to start somewhere.
John: And I'm the brother who's coming dude !!
Howard: One of the brothers will be there and can make a lot of money back there.
Even though the 20 million is gone. Your Mom must have freaked out when the 20 million ..
Bob: That's what happen man. I said, fly us to NY for the long interview.
Susan: They let her keep the Mr. Coffee machine so was kind of cool about that.
John: laughs
Howard: So is that when, did your parents break up after your Dad ...
Susan: No man. You keep wanting our parents broke. They never broke up.
Paul: Only the bones.
Howard: Would you say they broke up
Susan: Sure, they broke up.
Paul: I want to say something here. How could they break up when he was never home? He was in the Navy. He was on West Pacs and Pacific ??? - nine/ten months out of the country.
Howard: So when did your Mother die? Recently?
Susan: Four years ago. She's in Rock and Roll Heaven.
Bob: She was an eighth child
Howard: But she was penniless when she died
Bob: Yes
Susan: No, she - wait a minute.
Bob: Well, Dad took care of her
Susan: She had three couches from Mervin's
Judy: I've finally figured out why they are doing comic relief. The Cowsills are homeless.
Howard: Cowsills homeless.
Susan: Wait a second.
John: Time out Time out
Susan: My girlfriend and I just wrote a song called 'No Place Like Home'
Howard: OK we got to take a commercial break. The Cowsills I just want to say I thank you for being with us.
Susan: Thank you Howard.
Cowsills: Thank you Howard
John: Are you getting rid of us now?
Howard: Well you know
Susan: Howard
John: I know, but in a cool way, I just want to know the black and white of it all.
Howard: Well we've enjoyed having you on.
Susan: But Howard I just want to say this was a lot more fun than I anticipated.
Howard: It was fun.
Paul: I thought you were going to rag us.
Howard: What am I ragging you for?
John: You're the Morton Dowey Jr. of radio dude.
Howard: Ahh no
Susan: I'm going to tell everybody that they're wrong about Howard.
Howard: No, we're good people.
Bob: Especially Richard Simmons man. He called me one day too.
Paul: You realize everyone hated bubblegum music.
>Howard: You guys don't need any hassels. 20 million dollars you have to live with.
John: laughs
Paul: We start banging spikes at 6:30 where I live.
Howard: Whatever I can do to help you know I'm there.
John: laughs
Susan: Well we'll talk afterwards
Howard: We'll be right back after these words with The Cowsills.
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