I WAS SITTING at the desk in my bedroom, reading my mail, when I came upon a letter that made me feel very sad. It said:
Dear John;
You're so lucky. You and your family are always smiling and
happy. I wish I could be just like you - but instead I'm lonely.
Sometimes I feel that nobody cares - and someday I think maybe I'll run away. You're probably laughing at this letter and maybe
you think I'm stupid for writing to you, but I had to tell someone
how I felt - and since you're my all-time fav and you are 13 years
old too, I thought I'd write to you. Thanks for listening.
Love, "A Fan"
I wanted so very much to answer that letter, but the fan who sent it to me didn't include her name or return address. I wanted to tell her that not only did I understand how she felt, but I too sometimes have that feeling of loneliness. Why, once I even did run away from home!
Just because I smile and seem happy all the time doesn't mean that I never get depressed. Believe me- I do. So don't any of you 16-ers think that you're different. That's what I used to think myself - until I started reading your letters and discovered that all of you kids out there who are about the same age as I am (I was 13 years old on March 2) feel this way sometimes too! I guess we all have what adults refer to as "growing pains" - and part of growing up is the occasional feeling that nobody cares. One day, not too long ago, I didn't just think about leaving home- like I said, I really did run away!
ALL ALONE
It all started when we Cowsills moved to California this past September. At first, we were excited about moving into our Santa Monica home - complete with a swimming pool, dozens of rooms, and lots and lots of beautiful landscaped grounds. Before moving to California, we were ten Cowsills - literally squashed together in two tiny, three room apartments in New York City, and the thought of a big new house was very inviting. Of course, our all-time favorite place is Newport, Rhode Island, the place where I was born. But at this time, it would be inconvenient to live there, since Newport is on the East Coast and we have to be on the West Coast so much. But we still miss it and we won't sell our house in Newport! Someday we'll be able to go back there and live. Until then, we have to be content with the rare weekends when we can go there for just a few days!
Anyway, we moved to California at a very hectic time. Not only did we have to get settled in our new home and transfer to new schools. but we were rehearsing for our very first TV spec!! The rehearsals took up so much time that I couldn't make new friends - and it seemed as though I never had fun anymore. I'd always missed my friends back in Newport - but now I missed them more than ever!
In our big new house, even though I was surrounded by the family, somehow it seemed as if I were all alone. Everybody had something to do except for me. Bill and Karen were decorating the guest house where they lived. Bob and Paul were out every evening driving around in Bob's car, going to parties or dancing at discotheques. Barry had made friends with some kids from school, (and lucky for him, they lived near us) so he was usually visiting them. My classmates all lived in another part of town - and I couldn't tag along with Barry cos his friends thought I was too young for them!! That left Susie, but even she had girl friends in the neighborhood! And I wasn't about to join them in a game of jump rope or any of their other girls' games!!
So I was on my own, with nothing to do. You know, you can get pretty tired of watching TV, even when it IS in color. Besides, it no fun to do anything alone. Needless to say, I was pretty miserable and I sat around and moped most of the time. Normally, I could go and talk to Dad, but even he was busy now!! He was setting up our new office and that took up the entire day, every day. He and Mom seemed so busy that I didn't want to burden them with my problems. Finally, I decided that nobody cared about me anyway!! It seemed like I didn't matter to anyone anymore.
MY PLOT TO RUN AWAY
Then, one night, when I was taking a stroll around the swimming pool in our backyard, I got this idea!! I decided that I would run away from home! I sat down on the diving board over the beautiful, tranquil , blue-green water and began to plot. With my imagination, I thought for a few minutes that I was on a boat, sailing away from all of my unhappiness. And even though I was alone in my imaginary boat, I pretended that I was drifting along the waters of Newport Beach and that all of my old friends were waiting on the shore to greet me when my boat came in. Yes, I decided that's what I would do - I would run away tonight!! No one in California would miss me anyway!!
All I had with me were the clothes on my back as I started walking down the long, winding driveway toward the iron gate that would set me free of all my loneliness. I didn't look back at the house as I came to the street and walked toward the Brentwood shopping center. I guess I was afraid that if I looked back I wouldn't want to leave!!
It was a beautiful evening and cars were whizzing by as I slowly walked along. I didn't thing about anything very much, and I remember noticing that the lights were on in most of the houses I passes. It was about 9:30 in the evening and I could see some of the families gathered together in their living rooms. I began to think of my family and wondered if they had noticed that I was missing. More than likely, they thought I was in my room watching TV or sleeping. Barry and I share a room, but since he was at a friend's house for the night, they probably wouldn't notice that I had disappeared until the morning. That kind of bothered me a little. You see, in a way, I wanted them to know that I ran away! I even wanted them to come after me!
Suddenly, just after having made my big move and left home, I regretted it!! I loved my family too much to really be happy away from them. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was actually testing them to see if they cared! I desperately wanted them to prove to me that they wanted me. But, of course, I had already convinced myself that they didn't care, so here I was more alone than ever before, with really nowhere to go. I was like a little lost soul, very sorry and very frightened. Just then, a police car pulled up alongside me!
The smiling policeman seemed to sense that I was scared and quickly said "Don't worry John, I just want to talk to you."
I was startled and I nervously asked him, "How did you know my name?"
He explained that he was especially looking for me! He had just come from my house, and he even had a picture of me! "You know, John, your family is very worried about you. Your mom and dad and the whole family were terribly upset when they discovered that you were missing. They thought you might have been kidnapped, so they called us to look for you. What do you say? Will you get in the car and let me drive you home?"
Needless to say, I jumped in the car - fast!! Actually, I couldn't WAIT to get back home! When we pulled up to the front door, the entire family was there waiting to greet me. And you know what? They were all crying! First thing Dad did was take me aside and we had a long talk. He explained that I was wrong to think nobody cared about me just because they seemed to be preoccupied with their own lives.
"After all," Dad said, "don't you run out when you have something fun to do, even if Susie or Barry are left at home with nothing to do? That doesn't mean you don't care, does it?"
I thought about it for a few minutes and I realized that I was as guilty as anyone else. I also realized that I had been feeling sorry for myself, and that I hadn't bothered to go to the people really loved me most and explain to them that I was feeling left out.
THE LESSON
Dad assured me that in time I would find new friends in our neighborhood and told me that I really hadn't given myself a chance, since we had just moved to California. I was much too impatient, he pointed out. And you know what? He was right. Since then, I've made many friends, and whenever I feel depressed, I've learned not to keep it inside myself. I'll never do anything as dumb as running away again. I guess, in my head, I really knew along that my family loved me and I was silly to doubt it, even for a moment!
I hope that the fan who wrote me that letter (and others of you who also think nobody cares) will realize that love really is all around us, even if it is sometimes difficult to see. Doubting yourself and running away won't solve anything. But love and understanding of others will greatly help the painful process of growing up.
